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18 Things I learned from the Spanish Film Festival

At every performance of my Fringe show, the three life lessons from the Spanish Film Festival got laughs: 

If a man keeps sending you flowers, he’s probably going to die soon, so don’t make any effort.

(From the Spanish movie Flowers)

A room in a Colombian love hotel is brighter than a room in a Buenos Aires love hotel.

(From the Argentine-Colombian-French-Polish-German movie Refugee and Colombian-Spanish movie Ciudad Delirio)

If a girl says she’s your long-lost daughter, don’t worry about child support, just give her a weather vane and she’ll go away happy.

(From the Argentine movie Natural Sciences)

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Here are another 15:

Love conquers the age barrier, if you have a shiny new car and a house with a panoramic view of Barcelona.

(From the Spanish movie Sorry If I Call You Love)

Be nice to older women on long haul buses, because you’ll always have a place to stay when you’re mistaken for a Basque terrorist.

(From the Spanish movie Spanish Affair)

If a woman claims to be your long lost sister don’t push her away since she might be a rich Bollywood star who can give you money so you can stop working as a research scientist and marry the cute video store assistant boyfriend who can’t afford a flat in the heart of Barcelona.

(From the Spanish-Indian movie Traces of Sandalwood)

It’s okay to get lost in the Mexican jungle because a handsome Argentine doctor will rescue you.

(From the Mexican movie Get Married if you Can)

Costa Rica is a good destination for Russian drug dealers under house arrest in England who want to escape with their Japanese girlfriends.

(From the Chilean movie I Am From Chile, set in London)

If you jump out of a building to save a baby from drowning, it’s good if a Hollywood director is watching.

(From the Mexican movie Instructions Not Included, set largely in the United States)

A mannequin with a dress on it might be the dead body of the ex-fiancée of the guy the dressmaker is holding prisoner.

(From the Spanish movie Shrew’s Nest)

Spanish Film Festival 2015 guides

If you get engaged to a woman, destroy the evidence that you fancied her sister.

(From the Mexican movie Get Married if you Can)

If you get caught stealing a rich woman’s money, start crying and she’ll take you on holiday to a fancy house with a big swimming pool.

(From the Colombian-French movie Gente de Bien)

If your employer hasn’t paid you in three months, it might be time to look for another job.

(From the Spanish movie Aces)

If you’re a policeman on the take, it might sound suspicious if your daughter’s school fees are more than your entire salary.

(From the Spanish movie El Niño)

If your grandad seems like a nasty control freak, he probably is, but it won’t be long before he gets murdered.

(From the Colombian movie Dust on the Tongue)

If your son has committed a serious criminal offence, and you bribe your servant to take the rap for it, make sure you offer the servant more money than you offer your lawyer.

(From the Argentine-Spanish movie Wild Tales)

If you win a plane ticket as a prize, it’s probably part of an elaborate scheme by an awful musician to get revenge on everyone who did something bad to him.

(From the Argentine-Spanish movie Wild Tales)

It’s more comfortable to smuggle yourself into France on a goods train than underneath a truck.

(From the Spanish movie Hidden Away)

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Michael from Perth

A unique view of the strange and spectacular world through the eyes of Michael from Perth